Sunday, July 26, 2009

“Notice me, [not] noticing you”

Some workout to get in shape, others do it for health reasons. Well I gym to get away. To get lost in the hip- hop beats and rock music. To sweat my stress and flab away. To get quality “Me” time.

At the gym, I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m at my natural state. No make up, no accessories, just my navy shorts, black tank, and hardcore headband.

I go to the 24 hour fitness in Vallejo. The place has a unique demographic…in that it represents a stereotypical cross section of America. About 80 percent of the people there are over 250 lbs; basically the whole gym is eligible to be on “The Biggest Loser.”

Well being a normal sized girl and relatively young compared to the rest of this population, I get noticed. I’m not being cocky or saying I’m hot, I’m just saying I don’t exactly blend in here.

Yea some people (men and women) would turn and look at me as I march over to the weight room or when I swim laps in my bikini, but in my entire gymming lifetime, I have not encountered any disturbance. Most people have just left me alone. However, today was different. Today, someone interrupted my peace.

I got to the gym at 7am and immediately got on the treadmill. I placed my water bottle down and hit “quick start.” It sped up to 3.6 MPH, good walking pace. Before I could put on my earphones, the guy running next to me taps me on the shoulder and says “Hi…(breath) I just wanted to say…(breath) you are really pretty.”

Me: Thanks
25 year old, bushy haired, sweaty bearded (not hot) Indian Guy: are you from around here?
Me: Yea I live in Vallejo.
Him: Do you go to the gym often?
Me: about five times a week.
Him: I just moved out here four days ago.
Me: That’s cool. Umm..do you always run in jeans? (yea he was wearing jeans!)
Him: oh no, I just left my shorts at my other place.
Me: Oh.. okay (sure weirdo.)
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Him: you too.

I put on my earphones and start to pick up the pace to 5 MPH. 60 seconds later, I feel a tap on my shoulder. He smiles. I give him a smile back and slow down my treadmill.

Him: Can you talk and run?
Me: No, I cant.
Him: just try it.
Me: No. I’ll faint.
Him: okay then talk to me for a few minutes.

I politely slow down my treadmill.

Him: What’s your name by the way?
Me: Jessica. And you?
Him: I’m Amik.

So we talk a little more about is move from San Diego, his typical comp sci , business major, his search for a sales/retail job.

After about 5 minutes.

Me: Hey, Can I run now?
Him: oh yea sure.

So I pick up the pace once again, 7MPH. I run for a good ten minutes. He’s running next to me and it’s awkward because we are both facing the full length mirror and I see him occasionally glance at me. I pretend I’m busy messing with my ipod or looking at the wall clock.

He finally finishes his workout and fiddles with his treadmill excessively longer than necessary. I think, waiting for me to slow down to a walk. Of course, I don’t.
Then out of the corner of my eye, I see him close his eyes and put his hands together in a prayer position…for a good ten seconds.

Then he taps me on the shoulder again. I irritatingly slow down AGAIN and take off my earphones AGAIN.

Him: I was just wondering if you had time later, maybe we could do lunch?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry but I can’t. I have a boyfriend.
Him: You’re not pulling my chain,are you?
Me: Ummm.. No, I really do have a boyfriend.
Him: How about we go as friends? What are you doing after you work out?
Me: I have to go to work right after.
Him: Can you grab a bite with me before you go today?
Me: No. I can’t…I have to work.
Him: how about just this once.
Me: No I really cant. (What does he not understand about this?)
Him: Okay then can I have your number?
Me: umm. Okay sure. (don’t want to cause awkward relations as I’m going to be seeing him again).

He gets down from his treadmill and rushes to get a pen and paper. Comes back and commences to write:

J

E

N

N

I

F

E

R

I look at him and say “ It’s Jessica.”
Hurriedly, he scratches it out and re writes J-E-S-S-I-C-A.

Him: I’m so so sorry.
Me: oh It’s okay. (Dude, you are so UN-suave. If you’re going to hit on a girl, at LEAST get her name right.)

I chicken scratch my number and fold up the paper.

Me: ok Bye!
Him: Bye! Nice meeting you!

No phone call yet. So far so good…

Maybe he’s trying to contact Jennifer.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

We're on a Boat

video

So Sam and I were "on a boat" and got this great idea..here it is.

Fig ol' Futt Productions presents:
"We're on a Boat"

And in case you want to rap along:

We're on a boat in Nha Trang
In the middle of Vietnam

I want to ride on the 'Gondola' (in a Vietnamese accent)
It only costs 20 dolla.

We just had Ice cream Chocolat
Where is the 'yau Coola'? (tiger balm in vietnamese)

O Dau? (where)
O Dau? (where)

O Day! (here)
O Day! (here)

Uhhh? het roi..(oh? no more..)

Friday, May 8, 2009

My roommates are Senior...Citizens

Living at home to some people isn't a bad thing. I mean you get the free housing, the free food, the pampering of your family.
However living at home with your parents is way different from living at home with your GRANDparents.

My grandmother is an "early to bed early to rise" kind of woman. She's in bed by 9pm and wakes up at 6am. Of course, She is totally free to do whatever she pleases. However for a twenty one year old girl, this situation is sometimes...painful. (especially if I go to bed at 2 and my grandma screams to my mom, RIGHT outside my door, "IS JESSIE AWAKE YET?" ..well popo, I am now.)

She wakes up early so that she can gym. Yes ladies and gents, my grandmother goes to 24 hr fitness EVERY morning. EVERY SINGLE morning from 7am to 9am (except for holidays). She does her elliptical, her leg workouts, swims, and goes to the steam room. The greatest part about going to the gym with her is that you're an automatic "cool kid." Everyone knows my grandma. She's waving at people, chit chatting in the women's locker room, giving people high fives. haha I think this is where I get my extroverted attitude from.

In contrast, my grandpa is probably one of the most unproductive people out there. My grandpa wakes up at 7am and from then on hogs the (one and only) TV and watches chinese channels until 11pm! Is it even possible for anyone to be stationary that long?
The greatest part is my grandpa's lack of channel flipping. At 7am his favorite chinese drama would come on, so he watches it. Then it comes on again at 11, he watches it again. Then it comes on again at 8pm...he watches it AGAIN. The same episode THREE times. Never flips the channel once. When my mom comes home to watch the 8pm showing, my grandpa always interrupts and tells her what's going to happen next. haha it drives my mom crazy.

Eating at home can get difficult. I don't mind that we are vegetarian..but our foods have to as plain as possible. Let me explain. My grandma has some stomach problems. So the doctor says my grandma can't have foods that are too sweet, too salty, too spicy, or too acidic. Meaning we eat steamed tofu and eggs with brown rice..almost everyday. Granted the dishes always look great, but that's because my grandma puts just enough sauce so that the dish has color. She's a tricky woman.

When it comes to fruit, we eat pretty much everything. However we can't eat them, WHENEVER we want to. Just yesterday my mom and I brought some honeydew. They are already ripe and ready to be eaten. My grandma looks at them, knocks them, smells them and then says, "Not ready yet."
"Why grandma?"
"Because it's too hard to eat."
Another mushy fruit salad is on the menu.

So that's my life at home.
Hit me up if you want to gym at seven in the morning or eat some plain tofu.

Cause I'm 21 going on 65.


*sidenote: Onprozac actually adores her grandparents.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Nice Girl Rant

You know what I don't understand? Why everyone thinks I'm SO nice. I blame my parents for this. They are the ones that bestowed upon me a HUGE smile. I mean it takes up half my face. I look like a freakin anime character. It's not easy looking like a cartoon. Everyone expects a lot out of you.

"Oh look that girl has huge smile. She must be entertaining."
"Awww She's so cute. I bet she's really friendly."
"Wow did you see that smile? She looks so happy. I wonder if she's on drugs."

It's hard dealing with my big smile. Whether I'm sad, angry or frustrated...I still wear this stupid grin on my face.

But sometimes it's not my smile. Once I was running (not smiling), and a guy approached me on campus. I'm sweaty and red and wearing my hardcore workout headband. Naturally I slowed down and stopped, he said "are you interested in some Christian Workshops?"
Of course I could have said no.
I could have said I'm not Christian.
Or I could have just run away.

But being nice ol me. I said, "What kind of Christian Workshops?"
Then there went 20 minutes of my workout time.
I even gave him my phone number. Now I get a call every Wednesday about Bible Study.

When I go out to clubs and guys ask for my number, I have never said a flat out No. I've at least given them a fake number. Probably the meanest comment when I've lied and said that I have a boyfriend. But I guess that's not even mean..it's just a lie.

So much for trying to be someone that I'm not. I guess I will always be labeled as the "nice girl".

Oh Jesus Christ...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/christ_getting_in_shape_for_second

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Not Ghetto Fab

The biggest misconception people have about me is that I'm ghetto fab. Honestly, I dont really understand where y'all get that idea. I mean I grew up from the Bronx of NY, (10451 Holla!) and although there be a lotta black people, that dont mean that we all the same and we all ghetto fab.

Yea Yea so I do dress the gangsta part. I got my apple bottom jeans, my tight hot pink Baby Phat top, and my NY Yankee hat. I strut some gold and sterling silva chains. But that dont mean that I'm ghetto Fab. That jus mean I got style. Why y'all gotta be haters?

Some peeps say it's cause I got grillz. Are You Stoopid? You say it's cause of some bling on my teeth? Pluuuh esse. if you read the latest issue of Ebony, you would know it gives your smile a shiny-ass sparkle and makes a statement to the bland world that you are a unique woman, fosho.

Other peeps say it's my "crazy" dancing. Umm excuuuse me. You betta recogNize a good dancer when you see one, girlfriend. I mean just cause my milkshake bring all the the boys to the yard, doesn't make me ghetto fab. It jus makes me damn attractive and a fine booty-shaka.

So for my peeps readin this, I hope y'all got my point. I'm not ghetto fab.

I'm just fab.

--Spoken through the eyes of Shantay "Fab" Fierce--

*totally fabricated by yours truly*

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

All Girls School Uncensored

If there's one thing that catches people's attention it's the line:

"Hi, I went to an all girls school"

Most Frequent Responses/ Asked Questions:


"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." --straight girl/ gay guy

"I wish I went to an all girls school..."--straight guy/lesbian girl

"Were there a lot of lesbians at your school?" (a staple)

"What did you do to have your parents send you away?"

"Did all the girls stare at the cute lawn boy?"

"Was there always drama?"

"How did you meet boys?"

"Did you go crazy?"

It's ridiculous the picture people paint into their minds. We're all naughty lesbian lovers who sneak around the school, making out and causing hot steamy mischief.

In fact for the most part it was a very normal high school. We had classes, sports, social events..there were just a few things that were different.

The classes were not objective. My sophomore English class was basically a feminism class. We read pretty standard books Jane Eyre, The Great Gatsby, Othello however we would analyze the female's perspective. The overall theme was always about how the women were oppressed, how they had to hide their feelings, and how men ruled the world (incompetently).


For dances, the boys literally came in a yellow school bus, packed with young testosterone and drenched in cologne and AXE.

For prom, finding a date was a nightmare. We had to ask ex-boyfriends, our friend's brothers or cousins, male family members, our moms for references..

Everyone in the dorms would be on their period at the same freaking time. In some ways it was cute, we'd all eat chocolate, be PMS-y, stay out of each other's way. But the dorm restrooms reeked. Smelled like fish for a week.

We had too many programs on safe sex, anorexia, bulimia, body image etc. It just got tiring after a while. These programs falsely increased our confidence in our bodies. Thankfully, the multitude of magazines we read and skinny bitches we saw were enough to undue the damage and make us normally self-conscience and self-loathing.

What was really creepy was the ability to find any male cute. He could probably be the ugliest guy in the world..yet some sad girl would still have a crush on him. Not to mention the teacher crushes; it was outrageous. The hot French teacher, the hot history teacher, the hot administrator, the hot coach, basically every male staff member.

I'm not saying that the all girls school experience was bad; but I am warning future women who want to enter the mysterious world that you will come out awkward.

This is the honest result for four years of women surroundings. Right after stepping out of the estrogen bubble and into the co-ed college world, there were so many things wrong with me. I would explode by ANY small chauvinist comment. I would search for a true sisterhood to fill the empty void I felt. I would have multiple guy crushes at once and would never turn down a frat party.

However after a few years of co-ed college therapy, I have simmered down to a more "normal" female state.
Of course, normal is relative... I'm still pretty awkward.

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